Drama Mamas: Guild to guild harassment

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

We've seen a lot of drama pass through these pages, but funsuckers can always surprise me with new methods of drama-mongering.

Dear Drama Mamas,

I come to you with a problem that at first seemed simple enough to fix but has proved to be a royal pain that not even Blizzard will address for me. Recently I was told by several people in my guild that they were being whispered in game by a people all from one set guild asking them if they were happy with their guild. Now normally this isn't a problem, I know people often do this to find new people but it quickly became a problem when after the said people continued to whisper the people in my guild over and over, even changing to a different toon to repeat the process.

At first this was just one person who was talked to but it soon became at least 2-3 members of my guild each day, being done so by anywhere from 5-6 different toon names from the other side. I have tired to take the correct path and just tell my member to place them on ignore, but as I said earlier after you get whispered by three different toons within a ten minute period, simply ingoing becomes very bothering.

I even resorted to speaking to their current guild master, only to be told I was a childish (insert profane words here) and quickly placed on ignore by them before I could even reply.

Sadly Blizzard has decided that this isn't an issue that warrants their attention, even after I have provided names of the harassed and the harassers, along with chat dates and times. (I've asked my members to let me know if this happens to them anymore and let me know the names involved) The only thing I can think of is to have each member on my end who was confronted to place a ticket, but even with all the information I provided them, I don't see this going very far.

Is there anything else I might be able to do? It saddens me that so many make this a daily behavior for themselves and chose to burden those just trying to enjoy their game. I am thankful that my members have not resorted to their level of childish actions.

Thank you,
Annoyed and Ignored

Drama Mama Robin: Annoyed, what is happening to your guildmates is absolutely annoying. Harassment shouldn't be used as a recruiting technique. And honestly, I'm not sure what that other guild is expecting to accomplish. Who would want to join a guild that tries to recruit in this way?

You were right to talk to the offending guild's leader to try to resolve things, but that obviously didn't work. Unfortunately, funneling all the complaints through you to Blizzard doesn't work either. When you act as the middle man between your guildies and customer service, you are putting in an extra layer of hoops for the people trying to help you to jump through.

Rather than have each person tell you when they get harassed, they should be opening up their own ticket. This is particularly the case when the offenders are changing characters to get around ignore. That is harassment and Blizzard will do something about it -- they just won't tell you what they're doing. But the report has to come from the person being harassed, not a go-between.

It is good for each person reporting to mention that this is part of an overall harassment campaign being carried on by the offending guild. As much information as possible should be put on each ticket. And another report should be made each time a person is bothered by that guild. But again, the person affected needs to make the report.

Here's a direct quote from Blizzard: DaxxariIf your harasser by-passes the /ignore feature and contacts you on an alternate character, immediately place that character on ignore, then open a support ticket to report Ongoing Harassment, and include that phrase, as well as the offending player's name, realm, the exact phrase that they used to harass you and that they by-passed the /ignore feature to do so. Please be detailed, our Support team works hard, but they aren't wizards. Mostly.
Hopefully this won't continue much longer. Good luck!

Drama Mama Lisa: Pick me! Pick me! Pick my link, I mean. Robin and I have been churning through old letters and replies to find out what issues players ask for help with the most often. Then we're compiling and refreshing our previous advice to develop the Drama Mamas No-Drama Guide. And in situations like Annoyed and Ignored's, the No-Drama Guide allows me to do this:

/summon

The Drama Mamas Guide to Handling In-Game Harassment

Robin's reminder about reporting the character-swapping as Ongoing Harassment is key. Beyond that, have each of your members follow the steps in our guide, and the repeated reports should choke out this irritation fairly soon. Remind your guild members that they rock by not stooping to countertrolling the poachers. Here's hoping this whole thing will be in your rearview mirrors soon! Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately. Tags: advice, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, harassment, playing-wow, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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The Drama Mamas guide to communicating with others

The heart of a rich, long-lasting MMO isn't actually the gameplay itself. No, the heart of an MMO is its community. World of Warcraft wouldn't be World of Warcraft without the crazy quilt of personalities –- guildmates, real-life friends, family members, acquaintances met in game, passing strangers in public chat channels -– that keep Azeroth breathing and bright.

Successful participation in this community depends upon one single thing: communication. What's the expected behavior in a public chat channel? Is that different in guild chat? Are you so curt with other players you seem unwilling to cooperate during group events? Can you efficiently and effectively coordinate a group or raid encounter? Much of MMO socializing comes down to simple good manners, but new players can find themselves stumped by gaming lingo or stymied by unspoken social expectations and commonly understood conventions of group behavior.

Need a refresher course? Let's talk.
Chat channel basics

Before we can help you with what to say and how to say it, you need to know how chat channels work and what they're for. Trust us, there's no quicker way to earning the title of "That Guy" than chumping it up in the wrong chat channel (or chumping it up in chat, in general). Get the basics straight first! Speak like a human

Our first advice is quite the blast from the past, pulled from a post from the prehistoric era of WoW Insider in 2006. The issue: Speaking in real English like people normally speak.

Look at the difference in the impression made between these two whispers:

[Leetganker] whispers: plz, plz plz join our gruop. need healz for wc. plzzzzzzzzzz

OR

[Sindy] whispers: Heya! I was wondering if you felt like hitting WC tonight. We have a group all set, we just need a healer. We could even summon!

"I would never join a party with someone who talks like that," writes original poster David Nelson about that first ugly little example. "It gives the impression of being an immature moron, and whether Leetganker is an immature moron or not, I'll never know, as I am not grouping with the guy."

On the other hand, he observes, Sindy comes off sounding friendly and reliable. She starts off with a greeting and then moves to a clear invitation letting me know what's in it for the player. "No typos, decent grammar and she comes off like someone who won't be an idiot once we get into the instance," Nelson adds.

Bottom line: Typing to other players in WoW is not the equivalent of texting your best buddy. "When talking in the general channels," he observes, "it is even more important not to make a spectacle of yourself."

Here's what you need to know to avoid that trap: If you don't have anything interesting to add to the conversation in general chat, don't say anything at all. Chuck Norris jokes, any references to religion or politics and flaming a guy who stole your chest in a level 10 zone do not count as something interesting.Be friendly when you are asking someone a question. A simple "hello" is usually appreciated.Never, ever, never, ever use leet speak. While some people don't care, others hate it with a passion.Speak like a gamer

The language of gaming Gaming and WoW lingo evolves over time and varies from realm to realm, but that doesn't mean it has to remain an incomprehensible wall you can't see past. To the rescue: an encyclopedic assortment of lists of WoW, gaming and internet abbreviations, acronyms and lingo that steers you back into comprehensible territory. We've arranged our resources from the most basic to the most complete so you can choose how far you're ready to delve into the world of gamespeak.

The language of raiding We have a must-read guide to basic raid terminology and concepts, too.

The languages you don't speak What happens when you group up with a player with whom you share not a word of commonly understood language? You could try to pantomime your way through the encounter –- and we have advice on that, immediately below –- or you could turn to our guide to essential WoW terminology in other languages. Need to remind your Croatian DPS-mate to let the tank pull? We show you how.

No language at all What happens when you arrive at a quest spawn or other objective and need help, but the only other player around is from the opposite faction? By using the right emotes, there's a good chance you can make your intentions completely clear even without being able to chat with your "enemy." Whether you come in peace or are seeking a more personal connection with the object of your destructive affections, standard emotes help you make the statement. ... /moon ... /grin When it's just not working

When your chat box is scrolling with trolling through no fault of your own, yet you don't want to leave the channel altogether, it's time to take action -– the right action. The first rule of handling trolling and profanity is to avoid countertrolling; you don't want to become part of the problem for everyone else forced to listen to your well-intentioned take-down of the chat offender. We'll show you what you should be doing instead.

If things get personal, cut the communication connection and move on with your game. You have options for protecting yourself against in-game harassment. Know them, and use them! Dodge the drama and become the player everyone wants in their group with advice from the Drama Mamas No-Drama Guide. Got a question? Email the mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Tags: advice, chat, chat-channels, communication, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, playing-wow, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

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Drama Mamas: Being deaf and raiding

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

I had to edit this week's letter for length, but it's still a long one so that you can get the whole story.

Howdy Drama Mamas,

[...]

To begin with, I'm a male deaf gamer. I've been very blessed with great support systems in all areas of my life and have made friends both on and offline who have been extremely supportive of everything that I do. But I'll also be the first to tell you that I'm not perfect but I do try to avoid drama where I can.

Most of my WoW career, I've had at least one friend in every guild I've belonged to. That's made entering such guilds easier. All of my friends knew how to communicate with me (gchat, party, etc) and, if we got stuck, helped facilitate accommodating me within raids since I couldn't use vent (pre-plan encounters, have a raid warning for possible audibles if necessary, some as simple as just using the word "AUDIBLE" so I know that the plan changed and can follow accordingly). We've done this with me mostly as a healer, and, to a lesser extent, DPSing. I've had my share of shining moments and my share of mistakes just like anyone else.

Well, after playing with friends for 4 years, many of those friends have drifted away in search of other pursuits. Those raid teams are now being filled with people where vent is almost a must, none of them like communicating within guild chat and dungeon runs with them are nearly always "silent" for me in that there's no cutting up in party chat, although every once in a while it's apparent that they're in vent chatting things up (links and snippets of conversation appear in party chat, that kind of thing). My success with those raid teams also plummeted since no one was taking the 5 mins or so pre-fight to go over what our strategies were, even after repeated, polite requests to do so.

The lack of inclusion within those guilds became bad enough that I went hunting for another guild that I could raid with and I did so specifically as a dps player (hunter) because I wanted to finally level and raid as dps after having played primarily as a healer for 4 years. I also did this *without* taking a friend along for once. After a challenging search, I found a 25m guild that was wiling to give me a shot and seemed friendly and open to accommodating me. I got my character moved over to the server and settled in and got to the business of raiding. The first couple of weeks were okay, although tentative attempts to interact with folks in raid or guild chat didn't meet with much success but I continued to try and I continued improving my character. I've not been benched and I usually do my job well enough so far as I can tell. I'm not usually the lowest dps but I don't expect to be the best either. Rather, I focus more on being a utility player and provide interrupts, dispels, snares and CCs when needed, asked or unasked, as well as effective dps. I've not been told not to do so, but I've never been assigned either. I also make sure I'm as prepared as I can be by looking up fights we're likely to be working on. That way, no one has to tell me the basics and they can just give me the bits needed to work with the team as a whole. So far, though, I've gotten no feedback on my performance, positive or negative. I've asked several times if there were areas I needed to improve and I've gotten the generic "you're doing fine".

Here is where I need your advice. Recently, while working on Ji-kun (that dang bird), the raid leader assigned me to stay on the platform for our first several attempts. I accepted this. No big deal. After several wipes, the group assignments flashed up and I was assigned to a platform. I barely got out a question of "I'm in an egg group?" before the countdown to pull boss went out. I'm rather stunned that no one had taken any time to communicate what my responsibilities were. The good news is that I knew what to do with regards to how to get to platforms from prior research and raid finder. The bad news is that I didn't know exactly which group to follow, so several times, I took feathers from folks who should have had them. We wipe...we gather together again, someone has logged and is replaced with another player. Group assignments flash again, I'm not in an egg group...okay. I'm disappointed that I don't get a chance to redeem myself and I feel a little like I was set up to fail. Then comes a public comment from the raid leader: "{my char name} is no longer in an egg group". I'm not sure how to take this comment. I let it go in order to get to end of raid as then was not the time to address it.

After raid, I whisper the raid leader and let him know that I felt like I'd been set up to fail and that I was disappointed that I didn't get a chance to perform the task assigned with some more communication beforehand. His response was that I'd been replaced with the player who had joined the raid late because he'd done it before. But he made no attempt to address the first part of my statement...and immediately after he responded to the second part, he re-logged his character instead of finishing the conversation. I'm not sure how to take that, either.

[...]
Not sure what to do...any advice? Thanks in advance!

Silence Not Golden

Drama Mama Robin: Considering they were initially willing to accommodate you, this guild is certainly uncommunicative -- at least via typing. Good leadership includes letting people know how they are doing and how they can improve. Good leadership would have told you what to do when put in a new role. Good leadership wouldn't have logged out mid-conversation.

I agree that you were set up to fail. And I can see why you think you may be considered a necessary nuisance. It's almost like they regret taking you on and are just going through with it because they have to. Having to communicate via typing can be a big change for people used to only vocal communication. Maybe they thought they were ready for it more than they actually are.

You seem to be doing all the right things. You're preparing for the encounters by reading up on them and examining possible roles for yourself. But you need to be informed of your exact role when it is relevant. If they don't see that, it's going to be a recurring issue.

I think telling the Raid Leader that you were setup to fail -- no matter how accurate that statement is -- was perhaps a bit too critical of his performance. A gentler presentation of the problem might have gone over better. Perhaps if you had said that you were sorry that you didn't perform your role correctly but you think you needed a bit more information in order to do so. The damage has been done, but you can still recover. I would definitely approach the RL again. Don't do it right after a raid or right before either. Try to catch him during a time when he doesn't have those responsibilities to be immediately taken care of. Ask him if it is possible for you to get a little bit more direction when your role is changed. Also suggest that if you receive more feedback regarding your performance, that you will be able to learn to do better as needed.

If your RL is unwilling to communicate these things to you -- if he just blows you off again -- then I think you need to look for a new home. When one form of communication is not available to you, you have to be with a group that is willing to communicate the only way you are able to. You were clear before you joined them. This is not on you. But it is on you to decide whether to stay with this group who won't talk to you vs. finding a new group who will.

I suspect that this is just growing pains. If you are diplomatically clear with your RL about what you need, hopefully he will get the hang of typing the pertinent info as necessary. I really hope I'm right. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Drama Mama Lisa: Robin hits the nail on the head when she observes that text-based raiding is more difficult in practice than the noble idea of it is in theory. In fact, I have a 15 Minutes of Fame interview coming up with a guild that specializes in text-based progression raiding for primarily deaf players. It's not a simple thing to coordinate a raid group entirely by chat text, not at all.

Macros could help lighten the load on your raid leader, providing he's willing to spend the time up front to prepare them. Even so, macros probably wouldn't have prevented the confusion in your particular situation.

Let's face it: Frantic typing isn't as efficient or as effective as simply calling things out over a headset. Going back to text-based communication can seem insurmountable to some people, much like playing the game without beloved addons. As you've discovered, even when they've agreed, there are going to be moments of systems failure and annoyance at its limitations. I hope you won't judge your guildmates too harshly and that you'll also allow yourself the space to cut yourself loose if the irritation persists. Drop me a line at lisa@wowinsider.com if you find yourself needing the name of that deaf guild before the feature runs -- but I hope you'll get over the hump and be happily raiding by then. Best of luck! Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately. Tags: advice, deaf, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, playing-wow, raiding, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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The Drama Mamas guide to coping with trolling and profanity

It's the last straw: After a long day toiling in the salt mines, you come home to settle in for some stress-relieving World of Warcraft, only to find yourself transported back to The Barrens –- not only the latest patch's Battlefield Barrens, but the trollish Barrens-style general chat you've come to loathe. Your chat box is scrolling ceaselessly with "Douchebag this!" and "$%^& that!" and you can see that any hope of a restful evening is slipping inexorably beyond your reach.

What's a poor profanity-pelted player to do?
No countertrolling

Stop! The first action you simply must take when confronted with annoying profanity in game is to take your hands off the keyboard and resist the temptation to countertroll. You can't fix other players' behavior. Nothing you can say in the channel of a public video game is going to cause anyone to make a permanent change to their behavior. Neither can you beat trolls at their own game; just like you, they'll log off secure in the knowledge that they're smarter and wittier than you are, no matter how many other players end up laughing at (or along with) either of you.

The fact is, as soon as you take it upon yourself to police chat channels, you become part of the problem. Your schoolmarmish lectures or attempts to teach that so-and-so a lesson are as much an inappropriate nuisance to other players as the boorish behavior of the original offender. It also cements your reputation as a troll in your own right -- after all, every time there's BS in chat, your name is attached. When it comes to trolling and profanity, remember this: When you try to beat 'em, you actually join 'em.

Wrong place at the wrong time

If you find yourself staring down the barrel of $%^& on a regular basis, you might be setting yourself up by being at the wrong place at what turns out to be the very wrong time. Have you changed the time of day that you play? As Drama Mama Robin observes, battlegrounds during school hours are normally a much more cooperative, mature experience than battlegrounds on a Friday night. "I recommend experimenting with different periods in your time zone to see which ones have players who tend to communicate instead of castigate," she suggests.

The problem could also lie with the company you keep. Perhaps you're in the wrong guild. That's not to say all leveling guilds or unfocused social groups are evil nests of profanity-laced filth, but collectives of random players tend to contain more chaff along with the wheat. Sure, you're in no way responsible for making these players behave inappropriately, but you very much are responsible for choosing the company you keep. If you consistently find yourself aghast at what goes on in guild chat, quit throwing up your hands and crying "Woe is me!" Wake up, smell the coffee, and move on.

Blizzard's four-point plan for profanity

So what can you do to steer clear of depressing levels of trolling and profanity? Let's review Blizzard's four-point plan for inappropriate language. Use your ignore list. Remember, your goal isn't to fix trolls or beat them at their own game; all you need to do is get them out of your hair. Placing them on ignore does exactly that. WoW offers a relatively small ignore list. If you run out of room on your list, you may find you need to remove some players from your list or install an addon that allows you to ignore more players (and remember later why they're on the list).Use the mature language filter. You might find its nonsense words and symbols more annoying than the actual profanity. The real benefit, I've found, is that it neuters bad language enough that my emotions don't engage and I feel less tempted to countertroll or reply in rage.Manage your chat channels. If the chat in a particular channel proves too distracting or over the top, it might be simplest to simply leave that channel. Type /leave X (with X being the number of the channel you want to leave). Many players keep trade chat turned off and leave general chat on a frequent basis as well. You can even leave battleground chat when players are being overly critical or abusive; with that sort of nonsense cluttering up the channel, you won't be able to effectively coordinate strategy anyway, so you may as well give yourself the peace you need to focus on your own plan of attack.Report bad language. Use the right-click function to report bad language; Blizzard's support staff will not accept harassment reports filed under the Open a Ticket menu in game. Right-click the player's name on the chat line where the harassment, then click Language. "A contextual report will be created for us to review," Blizzard notes. "While no response to the report will be possible, rest assured that we will investigate and take appropriate action to address the issue." Ignore the player if you need to and move on with your game.
If the situation escalates and things become personal, remember that additional tools are available for your protection. Read the Drama Mamas guide to handling in-game harassment. Be the change you wish to see

In closing, Robin and I would like to remind you that you don't have to accept profanity, trolling, and other bad behavior as simply "the way things are now." As one of the players who make up the World of Warcraft community, you are a part of setting its tone and expectations. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Our thoughts:

Here's where your consistent, reasonable, mature reactions come into play. Your reactions and attitudes are every bit as influential to the tone of our online community as those of the hatemongers. Every time you respond to inappropriate speech with restraint (don't give these people the negative feedback they crave) while taking steps to curb their ability to act out inappropriately, you help counteract the effect they have on others and spread an attitude of empowerment and respect among other players.

Profanity and inappropriate topics aren't the only speech that's contagious; your reactions can be equally powerful in creating the online world you want to live and play in.

Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with advice from the Drama Mamas guide to preventing multiplayer drama. Got a question? Email the mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Tags: advice, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, inappropriate-language, playing-wow, profanity, report, trolling, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

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Drama Mamas: Raiding remedies

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

The above video has nothing to do with this week's topic. I just like it. Anyway, this week we have two letters again, both about raid teams. Lisa and I disagree on the second letter, which is always fun.

Dear Drama Mamas,

I have a problem with my guild that I was hoping I could get some insight on.

[...]

My guild is a casual guild with one core 10-man raid group. They have been having issues with attendance with one of their dps and one frustrated afternoon asked me to step in. At first I was asked to be a substitute but as time went on it became apparent that their dps was not going to return. When I started I was poorly geared but with a little hard work, some enchants and gems, and reforging I was able to greatly improve not only my gear but my dps. I was thrilled and can honestly say very happy with the way things were going.

But I wasn't improving fast enough. Throne of Thunder came out and we were behind. After several weeks of trying, the core raiders were getting frustrated and while everyone (I assume at least) seemed to enjoy my presence it seemed...well it seemed to me, even though no one expressed it specifically to me, it seemed some of them felt like they were carrying me and didn't want to anymore. Long story short (too late I know) I was benched. I was assured it was just while they worked on progression and I'm still on the substitute list, the B team, as it were, I can't help feel...rough.

I understand that I was not performing as expected and they needed to think what's best for the guild and team moral but it still stings a little. To compound the issue, they beat the boss I really wanted to kill for a specific achievement (the TeS Sha). Well that matter is done with and while sometimes I still feel a little tinge of jealousy when I log on during raid nights I have set out to better my position.

I rolled a new class and just recently started running LFR with him. I love my new class and he seems to just click with me as I am doing better dps then my previous character and having way more fun!

So my issue is this: I want back into the core raid team. I just don't know how to ask. Do I just simply whisper our raid leader and ask for my spot back? Do I wait until we have another Sat alt raid (which took the place of our old raid runs) and prove how my dps has improved and see if they will ask me back on their own? And what about the guy they replaced me with? I don't want to bump him, because I'm sure he is having fun too and I'd feel guilty over that. Or should I leave things alone and wait to see of they need a sub again or if a permanent spot opens?

Signed,
Sitting on the Sideline

Drama Mama Robin: It's wonderful when you click with a new class. It's like WoW becomes fresh and new again. Grats for finding your true in-game self!

But while I'm sure you're doing better than your previous class/spec combo, actions speak louder than words. Whatever you do, don't ask for your spot back. Prove your worth by participating in the Saturday alt raid and showing off your new skills. Once you have raid worthy numbers -- which may not be right away -- then and only then ask to sub or maybe even be put in a rotation.

In the meantime, make sure you do all you can to get geared up. That will really help your numbers and prove that you're willing to work hard for a raid spot. If you need a guide to help you get your ilevel up, try this one for gearing up alts. Good luck!

Drama Mama Lisa: In the meantime, try to keep in mind that the old raid position you raided in was never actually "your" raid spot. You subbed for a good stretch, but by your telling, you weren't quite able to put out the performance to make it permanently yours. That's not to make you feel bad about it -- but neither should you work yourself up into a state of indignant entitlement by telling yourself that it that raid position was "yours."

By that token, it would be wildly inappropriate for you to "ask for your spot back." And as for the guy who filled the position you vacated, you should worry about him -- that's his DPS you're aiming to outgun.

As Robin said, take care of your business first, every last scrap of pre-raid and LFR gear and enhancements that you can manage. Get in there on Saturdays and show your chops. Only then should you ask to be considered for a regular raid sub or rotation. At that point, you'll be a natural choice!

Hello Drama Mama's,

I've been a part of a guild for the last 3 years. Im currently second in command and know the guild leader very well, both in real life and in game. We've always been somewhat of a raiding guild, not hard core but enough to want to progress and raid with friends.

Earlier this year we began on Heart of Fear and trying to get through it so we can carry on to Terrace of Endless Spring. But unfortunately we lost our raid leader, his girl friend, a healer, and a couple of DPS on a 10 man team due to their senior year of school at their college. That's quite a chunk of our team gone in a matter of a week.

My guild leader, also my friend who has no back bone and some anxiety disorders as well. Began to freak out and didn't know who to make the new raid leader, tank, healer, etc. I was the healer, and always number one on the charts. So to help her out I became the raid leader AND new tank. (I play a Monk) I began to rebuild the team recruited within the guild.

But I noticed I was taking on a lot of work. After I did my "homework" of looking up boss strategies and such and then explaining it to the my guildies via mumble...it seemed they weren't listening. They were cutting up in game...doing /yells, /says, and giggling. Just clearly not paying attention.

After weeks of wiping we finally made it to the 4th boss in HoF. But I could tell the team was getting burnt out. People not showing up, people saying they don't want to raid that night, and so on and so on. The guild leader decided that it was my fault and blamed ME for not trying hard enough to get people motivated to raid. I was doing the "homework" for 9 other people who clearly wasn't paying attention or care to looking forward on what to do with bosses. I became annoyed at this and me and my friend (which again is also the guild leader) had somewhat of a falling out but I remained in the guild.

We eventually made up but I told her I was not the raid leader anymore and its up to her to figure that out. As of last week, we had a meeting on what to do for future raids. I announced that I was no longer a tank, nor the raid leader, I was going back to my first love which is healing, and remaining there. (We also had a few people we kicked off the team due to inactivity with the guild and raiding which is how I got my healing spot back.)

One of the other people in the team, who is a healer and her partner is tank/dps, decided to...I will say "dominate" the meeting and told us we should do things HER way but not in such a blunt way. She also formed the days around her partners work schedule. (He has an odd work schedule, he works two days, off two days, works two days, off two days and so on and so on. My Guild leader with no back bone bend to her, and now we are forced to raid 3 days a week and the next week raid only one day.

This is crazy! I have been wondering if I should find another team for the toon I wish to raid on. Or just leave the guild entirely due to my friend and guild leader with no back bone...help if you can please!

Sincerely,
Torn and confused.

Drama Mama Robin: Torn, you should leave. Not only does your GM not have a backbone, but your raid team isn't as serious as you are. You were doing all the homework for people who just wanted to play around ... when they wanted to play at all. Unless this healer ends up being an amazing Raid Leader who is able to pull the not-so-serious raiders together into a real team, it's time to go.

Take a look at our guide to leaving your guild without drama. And you can always stay in touch with your friends even though you're no longer playing with them.

They'll miss your hard work, but you won't miss the drama. Hopefully you'll be able to find a new raiding home that suits both your level of seriousness and your schedule and hopefully you will find it soon. Let us know what happens.

Drama Mama Lisa: But wait ... Didn't you want to raid? It sounds like the other healer is making strong headway at getting the existing team rolling in a fruitful way. What she has proposed is not a traditional schedule, no. But it works for the people you currently have left -- and if your guildmates enjoy one another's company and want to stick together while buckling down on progression, this is the kind of creative thinking your guild needs.

You obviously aren't a big fan of the other healer's personality or of not having your or your friend the GM running the show. Other than that, though, the guild appears to be doing all the right things, particularly in light of the GM's tacit approval. If you find the situation that distasteful, it might be time to look for another guild -- but I think you owe it to yourself, your friend the GM, and your guildmates to try to adjust to being out of the leader's seat and help revitalize the guild you're already part of. Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately. Tags: advice, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, playing-wow, raid-teamwork, raiding, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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Breakfast Topic: Have you ever been the cause of guild-killing guild drama?

I admit it: I've been the first domino in guild-killing guild drama. It wasn't anything I said or did that set off the firestorm. But over the course of, oh, nearly 15 years of guild-based MMOs, my curt and final departure from two utterly dysfunctional guilds was most definitely the event that precipitated a cascade of drama leading to the spectacular implosion of both groups.

(See? I told you so. Shoulda left when I did.)

Still, I didn't actually cause the guild-killing drama. I can't say the same for my intrepid spouse, who is quite content to march into the breach of guild dissension with guns blazing. He's not the type to just pack up his toys and go home, like I am. Yeah, he'd be the first to admit he's probably said some things that caused people to go for one another's throats, eventually choking out the entire guild in a frenzy of righteous accusations. Good times. (Not.)

'Fess up: Have you ever said or done something that's set off a guild-wiping drama bomb? Was it a mistake on your part, or would you actually do or say the same thing again? (Yikes.) Tags: drama, featured, game-discussion, gamer-discussion, guild-drama, world-of-warcraft-discussion, world-of-warcraft-topics, wow-discussion, wow-hot-topics, wow-issues, wow-topics

Filed under: Breakfast Topics

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Drama Mamas: Playing on multiple levels with different groups and partners

Sometimes having so many appealing playstyles to choose from makes deciding how to settle in to play WoW more difficult, not less. That's certainly the case when you're trying to enjoy the game with multiple sets of groups and partners -- for example, guild raiding twice a week, leveling and exploring with a significant other, and battling the enemy in battlegrounds now and again with a crew of longstanding gaming friends. Is it even possible to connect all those threads into an enjoyable gaming week without blowing every last minute of free time (and then some)?

Fortunately, you can learn to combine different playstyles and groups. The trick is learning how to adjust your expectations and approach from group to group and partner to partner. Never assume that everyone "needs" or wants to cover the same content or achieve the same type of goals in the game. With a little time management and a lot of clarity among gaming partners, you can enjoyably indulge in WoW on multiple levels without the time crunch and without any drama.
First Up: Time management

Before you even think about carving up your week into WoW sessions with separate groups of people, be certain that you have time management firmly under your belt.

Prerequisite: Does the time you'll spend with other groups impinge on your responsibilities and relationships with work, family, or significant others? If all signs point to smooth coexistence, you're ready to move on to making sure your play time fits into the stream of the rest of your life. Read the video gamer's guide to time management for tips and advice.

Are we having fun yet?

The next step is to decide who you want to have fun with and identify what each of you thinks would be fun to do in game –- and therein lies your greatest challenge. Let's look at some common scenarios and then flip back to some classic Drama Mamas resource links to help you work through your plan. Combine ingredients, mix until smooth

Despite your best efforts, trying to juggle too many WoW groups could bring the whole thing crashing down on your head. The more you divide your attention, the more opportunities there are to trip up –- or you could simply find yourself overbooked. Some of the best-laid plans will simply fail to rise, leaving you with a doughy partnership that nobody's especially keen to bite into.

Don't be afraid to say no or to stop doing something that isn't fun any more. Leaving a guild or regular gaming group doesn't mean goodbye forever. You can still keep in contact with friends you don't play with regularly.

Talk, talk, talk to your WoWmates, and try again. Or try something different. Or try something that's not WoW. Sometimes, the best solution is stepping away for a change of pace. Ever considered a casual night of homebrew and Hearthstone? ... Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with advice from the Drama Mamas guide to preventing multiplayer drama. Got a question? Email the mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Tags: advice, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, partner, playing-wow, significant-other, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Drama Mamas

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Drama Mamas: Loot rules rule

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

We are still compiling our results edition, so if your letter was answered and you'd like to tell us what happened, please send an email to robin@wowinsider.com. In the meantime, let's talk about loot rules.

Dear Drama Mamas,

A few months ago I joined a guild so I could finally have some people to talk to (I tend to go alone for a long time until I see a guild that interests me) and to have the chance to raid. As I play a healer I was immediately accepted in the raid team and, although we're not even done with normal progress in the Mogu'shan Vaults, we've done relatively well. Some of the people in the guild are pretty nice and I like to be around and play with them, but there is one problem little that's been bothering me for a few weeks now: loot drama.

Our loot rules are simple: if you can use it for main spec, roll for it. Everyone seems to love that system, except for me. I prefer systems like EPGP or something similar because, in my opinion, when you're raiding with your guild you should be rewarded for commitment and not just luck (that opinion might or might not have something to do with my terrible luck... >.>).

You see, I think I'm a good element for the guild. I'm one of the core healers because I'm the only one who has attended every raid since I joined (the other healers either can't log in on raid nights or spend their time leveling alts). When they're not available we have to PuG healers and they usually have "bad" gear (blues or even greens) or they don't know the fights and end up dying a few minutes into the fight so I end up picking up the slack. I know healing meters aren't a good way to rate the performance of us healers, but sometimes I can't help but feel frustrated when I see I did between 55 - 60% of all healing done.

Now, I always study the fights we're going to attempt, do heavy research about my class and how to improve and I spend some of my lunch time studying videos of our own fights so I know if I did something wrong, etc. I'm not perfect but I do my best as to not fail to mechanics. Outside of raiding time I do my best to get my own flasks, gems, enchants, the +300 food and whatever upgrade I can get with valor or LFR.

My main issue with the guild is that since we started attempting Elegon one of the officers is always going on about how we can't do that fight because our gear sucks. This upsets me because a) he's one of the two raid members who fails at mechanics like avoiding cobalt mines, flanking orders, attenuation, forgets to reset his stack of overcharged, etc; and b) gets mad if he loses a roll on something he wanted.

When I propose they changed the loot rules they just told me to stop passing on everything and that made me mad. You see, if an item drops and it's only a minor upgrade to me (say +40 spirit) compared to someone else replacing a green, I'll pass so they can get it because they'll get more out of it. Maybe they're right because I've never gotten an item since I started raiding with them (all of my gear has come from valor, LFR or heroics) but I still feel upset when the same guys win loot week after week and then complain that the others have such crappy gear.

I know it's shallow to think like this but I've been actually considering looking for another guild where the loot rules are a little bit more fair, but I'm unsure because I know I might been as a loot wh*** and I feel that I might also be in the wrong here, which is why I've come to you for advice. So please, help! D:

Sincerely,

Shallow guy

Drama Mama Robin: Loot rules are a very important part of raiding. The feeling of achievement after downing a boss is all well and good, but the real point is to get the goodies. How those goodies are distributed can make or break a guild. Some loot systems are better than others, depending on the type of raid team. Loot councils can work well for large progression guilds, for example, but can cause nothing but drama for small, casual teams. Regardless of what the loot rules are, they need to be followed by everyone or else drama ensues.

The fact is, you are not following your guild's loot rules and are therefore causing loot drama. If the rule is to roll on all upgrades for your main spec, then you should roll on all upgrades for your main spec. Deciding to do your own version of a loot council on the side -- "Oh, he can use that more than me and that's how loot should be distributed so I'll pass." -- is a rather passive aggressive protest. If you are deciding to raid with these people, you should play by their rules, else you are being That Loot Drama Guy.

That having been said, if you think the loot rules aren't working and that's why your guild doesn't progress as fast as it should, it does not in any way make you a greedy loot goblin to want to go to a guild where the loot rules suit you better. You seem very dissatisfied with your fellow raiders anyway, so even if they agreed to change the loot rules, your complaints would not cease.

As a side note, do yourself a favor, and stop stressing about doing better than your fellow healers. Your impatience to do their jobs for them actually reduces their numbers, skewing the health meters in your favor. So many heals work very differently from each other that your healing a target a split second sooner than your teammates could render their otherwise timely heals useless. Teamwork is your friend.

Back to the loot: start shopping around. Apply to a guild that has the loot rules you feel are fair. Be sure to leave your current guild in a drama-free way, then be happy in your better gear and faster progression.

Drama Mama Lisa: Once upon a time, there were two mages. Like you, both of them were key players in their guild, a content-breaking progression guild at the dawn of its world's raiding curve. While both of the mages were very well geared, one of the mages (we'll call her "Selfish Little Twit") had put in a mind-boggling number of hours to farm several rare pre-raiding pieces. The other mage (let's call this hypothetical player "Drama Mama Lisa") had nice armor too, but not those particular, exceedingly rare drops.
More than anything, Selfish Little Twit wanted to upgrade her robe. As the guild began to see some of the more common raid drops, since she had a few marginally nicer pre-raid best-in-slots there, it was easy for her to magnanimously declare, "I'll pass on this for our dear Drama Mama Lisa." However, Selfish Little Twit wasn't passing because she had a kind heart; she was passing because she wanted to stockpile guild good will for when the robe dropped, ensuring it would go to her. The problem was, Drama Mama Lisa didn't much care for all this supposed generosity. She just wanted to roll on all the drops like any other player, rather than being forced to take leftovers and then automatically shut out of a chance at the robe.

Because the guild did not have firm loot rules in place, things did not go well for Selfish Little Twit, Drama Mama Lisa, and their robes – and neither will they go well for you, Shallow Guy, unless you come to terms with the way your expectations are running into your guild's loot rules.

Your guild has a loot system that its members seem pleased with. You need to follow those rules, and quit trying to sabotage the system with your false generosity and sandbagging "passes." You also need to let go of the sense of entitlement you've acquired based on your laudable preparation and performance. While those are both admirable traits, your guild's loot system is not designed to reward them.

You're not wrong in wanting something different, Shallow Guy, but you are wrong in trying to guilt-trip it onto a guild that's clearly happy with the system it has. I cast my vote with Robin: Time to look for a new guild.

Drama Mamas: How to find a World of Warcraft guild

Obviously, one of the top priorities of your guild search will be researching the loot rules of any guilds you're considering. I'm absolutely certain you'll find one with a system you're comfortable with. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Drama Mamas' quick loot system guide
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.
Tags: advice, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, loot, loot-drama, loot-rules, loot-system, loot-systems, playing-wow, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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Drama Mamas: How to find a World of Warcraft guild

There's so much more to joining a guild in World of Warcraft than clicking an uninvited newbie zone popup or replying to a random whisper while you're trying to quest. We wouldn't go so far as to say there's a science to getting it right; joining a guild is more of an art, an intersection of careful screening and social serendipity. While it's true that you can successfully fumble about in the relatively unpopulated leveling zones or run the dungeon and raid finders on your own, you'll enjoy a richer, more complete game experience if you play with other players as intended.

This guide is not about figuring out what type of guild might best suit you. (We've cover that in a future guide.) If you're unguilded or dissatisfied with your current guild but not quite sure how to describe the kind of group that would make your online gaming experience feel just right, consider this week's pointers as food for thought until we can analyze your own guild needs.

If you're ready to find a new guild right now, read on for the best ways to connect with a quality organization.

Looking for Guild: Dig up some likely prospects

Your search for a guild home should incorporate a combination of web and in-game tools to help you narrow down the possibilities.

Be wary of newbie guilds. It's not the end of the world to join the guild of the guy who spammed you with a random guild invite in Stormwind or the group of rag-tag beginners that somehow fell together in The Barrens. You may meet folks who'll remain fast friends for years to come. In general, though, you'll get a more lasting (and organized) experience if you look for a more established group with leadership, structure, and purpose.

Get social. The single most effective way to find a good guild fit on your own realm is to meet people. Group up for quests, ply your trade and make purchases from other tradesfolk of similar levels, run level-appropriate instances, or help someone who's struggling with adds as you pass by. Make a special effort to get out there in the type of content you'd like to enjoy with your future guild.

Check the in-game guild finder. Yes, people really use this tool now. It's a solid way to make first contact with likely groups. (And hey, guild officers -- polish up your listing!)

Visit your Blizzard realm forum. Look for recruiting threads, of course, but also keep an eye out for social drama that sheds light on a guild's attitudes and behavior. Get a feel for the guild's general reputation, and observe how guild members conduct themselves on the forums.

Review the Blizzard guild recruitment forum. This forum will be more useful if you're seeking a particular playstyle, progression point, schedule, or niche -- and, of course, if you're willing to play on a different realm.

Google "WoW guild [realm name]" -- yes, Google. You'd be surprised.

Listen for recruiting messages in public chat channels. If you spot something that sounds especially likely, whisper the recruiter for more information. Posting your own Looking for Guild messages in these channels is a fairly outdated, needle-in-a-haystack strategy that might set you up for more razzing from other players than helpful contacts from guilds.

Research the frontrunners

Once you've determined a guild has a broadly compatible playstyle and hours, dig for details.

Look up guilds on the Blizzard site. Type the guild name into the search box at the top right of the page. Browse the progression chart, activity feed, and profiles for a handful of members to get a feel for how the guild actually plays.

Look up guilds on their independent guild websites. If you can find a link to a guild's website, you'll get another fantastic window into its schedule and personality. Check out the forums. Do members seem serious, immature, friendly, rude, humorous, crass ...?

Do a /who on guilds that interest you. See who's online during your normal play times and what members are typically doing during those hours. If you're new to the realm, you can create a level 1 character to do this.

Scope out the field. Keep an ongoing eye on the behavior and reputation of guild members around town and out adventuring.

Talk to current guild members. Ask about their ultimate guild goals, how long they've been together, average player age, typical play times, regularly scheduled events. Find out if there are any geographic or other commonalities that might exclude you ("We're all from Yuma, Arizona" or "We all go to UofM").

Try it out. If you're able to raid or group with potential guildmates, see if you can't come along as a guest for a guild event or two. Anyone who's gotten stuck in the wrong group will understand and respect your caution.

Help! I need more ideas!

If you're still having a hard time finding guilds and players who sound like a good fit, try these ideas from Robin:
Contact members of guilds you've belonged to in the past to see if anything's changed that might make it a better fit for you today.Join local realm events or raids to see if you hit it off with anyone participating. Maybe someone there can recommend their guild.Ask members of a group you belong to in the physical world if anyone plays WoW. You may be surprised that your gym acquaintance also plays or that someone in your book club is hiding a secret World of Warcraft habit.Look at online forums for your other interests to see if anyone there hangs out in Azeroth, too.
More tips:
Contact old friends and former guildmates who've moved on to other guilds or realms. You might discover a compatible group.Don't categorically rule out a realm transfer. A transfer might be an especially solid solution for a character you have specific goals (such as progression raiding at a specific level) with. It's not difficult at all in today's economy to establish a beachhead on a new realm. Nothing says you have to bring your whole stable of alts with you; peaceful solo questing or running the dungeon finder will be just as fun for them on your old realm.If you are considering a realm transfer, Robin advises, don't spend the money on a transfer until you've researched the guild and server. This may mean leveling a character for a bit to get a good feel. Better to waste a few hours on a character you'll never go back to than to discover you've spent money to become even more unhappy.
Special Situations: When you're looking for a particular type of guild

Specific playstyles and niche interests in the game often have their own communities, sites, and forums, and these are exactly the places you should be haunting when you're looking for a new guild home. Cleave to thine own, to thy own heart be true, all that stuff -- your goal is to find your tribe.
Roleplaying Roleplayers face a whole different set of challenges when they're seeking a new guild home. We've got a whole article with advice for roleplayers.The local connection To find WoW players who live near you in the physical world, try Meetup.com. Google gaming groups to find players with compatible interests.Scheduling issues Work around an odd schedule by searching for realms by time zone; choose a realm whose peak evening playtime most closely matches your own play time (or the reverse, if you want peace and quiet).Retro play Google is your friend here, as well as WoW Insider retro raiding posts and article comments. Also try well-known iToons on Korgath (US), currently focused on level 80 content and moving into Wrath raids.PvP twinking Check out Twinkinfo.Raiding Before you hit the major specialty sites and forums, make sure you know what to look for in a raiding guild and are prepared to submit a strong application. The raid finder The raid Finder is a great place to shop for a raiding guild, reminds Robin. "Many guilds use the raid finder together, and you can witness their personality types, how they work together, and how they treat others outside of their group. Also, Captain Obvious says that if they are playing while you are, your schedules are compatible."World boss pickup groups Similarly, world boss PUGs spotlight guilds that work well together and with others (or not so well), Robin notes. So sign up for the Sha runs being advertised in trade for more hands-on guild research.
Be polite and persistent

Finally, don't be afraid to leave a guild that's just not the right fit and keep on searching. It's not always the fault of anyone or anything in particular if things just don't click.

If you must leave, do it politely. The best way to pull out is to speak with the GM or an officer, and be brief but honest: "I've decided to move to another guild where I'll be playing with a good friend. Take care, and thanks for having me!" If you still feel awkward about making a retreat, we have an entire article devoted to leaving a guild without drama or burning bridges.

The final word comes from well-known WoW player @wowcynwise on Twitter:

@lisapoisso Be patient, be friendly, and don't settle until you find the right folks.

- Cynwise (@wowcynwise) January 3, 2013

More Drama Mamas advice on guilds

"I never thought of playing WoW like that!" -- and neither did we, until we talked with Game of Thrones' Hodor (Kristian Nairn) ... a blind ex-serviceman and the guildmates who keep him raiding as a regular ... and a 70-year-old grandma who tops her raid's DPS charts as its legendary-wielding GM. Send your nominations to lisa@wowinsider.com. Tags: advice, application, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-app, guild-applications, guild-drama, guild-membership, guild-recruitment, guilds, join-a-guild, joining-a-guild, lfg, looking-for-guild, playing-wow, recruitment, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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Drama Mamas: Preemptive polyamorous preparations

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Results! We want them! If you've written in to us and we've answered you, please send us an email letting us know what happened. We already have a few responses, but we'd like to collect a few more to fill up the next Drama Mama: Results Edition ... coming soon.

On to this week's letter:

I'm writing as a "preemptive strike". Like a good boy scout (err... girl who would be a good boy scout if she was a boy), I want to be prepared.

This would be excellent material for a Soap Opera or a Greek Tragedy, so grab some popcorn and enjoy.

I run a fairly big raiding guild (about 30 active raiders). Many of us are very close, and a few of us have hung out in real life. We know a lot about each others' lives and we laugh, cry and celebrate when life events occur.

Now to the fun part. Two of my officers (We'll call them "Ross and "Rachel") are married to each other. Ross is a raid leader. They have an open marriage (I don't judge and neither should anyone reading this). They're happy and comfortable in their marriage so as long as they're happy, I'm happy. I consider myself very close friends with this couple.

In addition to her husband, Rachel has a significant other in the guild as well (we'll call him "Chandler"), and they raid together. This triangle isn't the problem. They've been happily coexisting in the guild for over a year. The two partners don't "overlap", Rachel is with Ross, and Rachel is with Chandler. Ross and Chandler are separate from each other.

However, Ross and Rachel have wanted to add a third person to their relationship (which has nothing to do with Chandler). Of course, they end up with another member of my guild. We'll call her "Phoebe". Phoebe is significantly younger (but not jailbait) who had just gotten out of a very serious long term relationship (and they have young children together). I am worried about Phoebe because this breakup has really messed with her head, and she's very vulnerable. She also has a very explosive personality. For the record, I also consider Phoebe my friend as well.

My fears: If Phoebe really isn't ready to be in this relationship, and if it explodes into a burning blaze of fail, it could have serious ramifications not only on my friendships with all of the above, but the guild as well. I don't want to be forced to "take sides", I want to be there for them and support them. I also don't want to lose any of them as guild members. With this arrangement, they hold the power to seriously do damage to the guild if the officers end up leaving over relationship drama (if they ever leave it would break my heart anyway).

I'm staying out of their relationships and letting it run its course. I'm writing to you for advice on how to handle any potential fallout if it doesn't work.

Yes, I understand I'm worrying about something that hasn't even happened or may not happen, but because it's a very real possibility based on how well I know the people involved, I want to be prepared, just in case.

Sincerely,

Cassandra of Troy

Drama Mama Robin: Kudos to you, Cassandra, for staying out of this relationship and not looking for a way to prevent anything. Yay! Meddling = drama. And while WORRYING about something that may never happen is bad, PLANNING for a possible drama causing event won't hurt anything -- as long as you get no one else involved. The moment you start discussing contingency plans involving other people's relationships, you've got gossip. Boo. Gossip = drama.

But you're not worrying and you're only discussing this with us, hopefully, so there won't be any guild gossip (unless someone in your guild reads Drama Mamas and recognizes the email, of course). So let's discuss some of the possible outcomes:
Something bad happens in the relationship, but none of it ever hits guildchat or affects the guild dynamic.Something bad happens in the relationship and it does hit guildchat and/or the other people in the guild.If 1 happens, it's none of your business as a guild leader. Offer a shoulder to cry on as their friend, but if they are successfully keeping the guild out of it, so should you. If 2 happens, you need to put your GM hat on and sweep that drama right back out of the guild, by gently enforcing the rules (which hopefully you have) about keeping personal drama out of public chat and forums.

Either way, the advice you would give would be the same. Phoebe, or whoever is hurt, should take a break from WoW. Offer her a home in the guild for when she returns (as long as her explosive personality didn't burn any bridges), but recommend a new server and guild. I know you don't want to lose her as a guildie, but it would be the best thing for you and everyone else concerned. She can still keep in touch with friends via Battletags or Real ID, but separation from the source of pain is really the best way to go.

I leave you with two action points:
Tidy up your guild rules to make sure you have them to fall back on should things get really ugly. You specifically want to be clear that bringing personal drama to guildchat, guild forums, voice chat, etc. is an actionable offense. The action can just be a warning at first -- you don't have to be draconian about it in your friendly guild -- but you do need to have something in place to nip drama in the bud.Steel yourself to losing a guildie. It's not a matter of choosing sides. If it hurts Phoebe to be around Ross, Rachel, Chandler and possibly a new person added to the mix (Joey?), then she needs to take a break from everyone to deal with her issues, while focusing on her children and her own happiness outside of the game.Hopefully this relationship is just something lovely for Phoebe to soothe her wounds with and nothing bad comes of it at all. I wish her, you, and the rest of the gang nothing but drama-free happiness.

Drama Mama Lisa: The best strategy comes from the grand dame of advice, Ann Landers: "Make somebody happy today, and mind your own business." As a guild leader, you DO have some "business" to mind -- and I would add one more point of it to Robin's action list:
Make sure your officers know how to do their job. You can't be online every moment of the day, but in a guild the size of yours, you should have enough officers that somebody from the guild leadership is usually around during reasonable play hours. Hold a brief officers' meeting in a private channel; before a raid is good, because it gives you a focused window of time when everyone is available to make your point and then move on with the raid, without the opportunity to stew or gossip. Without slithering into the bubbling murk of the gossip bog (details and identities are completely unnecessary), remind your officers that it's their duty to disarm any drama that worms its way into public channels. Offer some hypothetical examples -- the rage quit, the loot squabble, the relationship overflow. Instruct them to send private whispers to all the involved parties in a friendly but firm, matter-of-fact fashion to cease and desist and take their matter offline. Remind your officers to report the incident to you at the earliest opportunity.Once you've worked through the business of your action points, you're off the hook. Time for the "make someone happy today" part -- get out there and enjoy your drama-free guild atmosphere and Mists of Pandaria!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.
Tags: advice, drama, featured, friends, guild-advice, guild-drama, playing-wow, polyamoroous, relationship-advice, relationships, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

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Drama Mamas: How to leave your guild without drama or burning bridges

A poorly executed /guildquit is the kind of toxic drama bomb that can poison your online game experience forever. Even if you're fleeing drama, guild chaos, or interpersonal strife, wrecking shop on the way out the door does more harm than good. You may never want to play with or hear from those people again -- but chances are, you'll cross paths at some point in a group, another guild, a chat channel, or a forum.

Is moving on the right thing to do? Every situation is different, but if you find yourself even considering whether or not the grass might be greener in another pasture, it's time to take a good, hard look at what you want from your WoW play versus what you're actually getting. "This is your leisure time," notes Drama Mama Robin. "If your stress-relieving activity is doing the opposite, you need to make a change." And if you're sticking around based on trying to change someone else's behavior or hoping it changes on its own, she notes, you're wasting your own time. The only person you can control is yourself.

Leaving a guild is not the right solution if:
You're doing it to teach someone a lesson or to make things difficult for someone in the guild. Smarter solution: Realize that you're not the arbiter of other people's behavior, and move on.You're doing it to direct attention to yourself or your views. Smarter solution: Get involved in guild life and business through normal channels.You don't actually want to leave. Don't be one of those drama llamas who /guildquit at every perceived slight and then expect to be welcomed back to the fold with warmth and open arms. Don't leave a guild if what you're really hoping is to elicit someone to beg you to come back. Leaving a guild is about moving on to something new. If you need to move on, move on. Smarter solution: Resolve your personal or guild issues through normal channels.

Leaving a guild should be as neat and clean as a surgical procedure, despite all those slimy emotions crawling all over you. Know what you're going to do, get everything lined up beforehand, then handle your departure calmly in a well-mannered, respectful way. This is a fresh start, so don't start out with a dirty slate.

If you've decided you do need to leave your guild, keep these guiding principles in mind:
Don't destroy what remains or make things more difficult for those left behind.Preserve your reputation by handling things with respect and aplomb. Social fallout can and will follow you across characters, guilds, and realms.Above all else, remember that you'll never go wrong taking the high road.
The Basics: The drama-free way to leave a guild

Here's your basic strategy for making a classy, respectful departure from a guild.
Don't fuel the rumor mill. There's no breaking this news gently, and there's no talking it over to get a feel for things if you're still merely considering a move. Do not open the "I've been thinking ..." door. This is not a public debate. You'll open up a rat's nest of gossip, political maneuvering, and guilt-inducing begging for you to stay. Leaving a guild is your decision; make it on your own, and go public only when you're ready to make it happen.Use official channels. Once you've decided a move is the right thing to do, go straight to your GM (guild master or guild leader) or a guild officer.Be brief but honest. Example: "I've decided to move to another guild, where I'll be playing with a good friend. I've really enjoyed my time here and appreciate all the help and guidance you've given me along the way. Thanks for having me!" If the officer asks for more detail, offer whatever honest feedback you feel comfortable giving, but don't open up a can of drama.If hard feelings erupt, don't burn bridges. "I have such limited time to play that I think I'd be a better fit with a guild on a more active raiding schedule" is better than "You lied to me about wanting to raid, your members suck Cracked Eggs and I can't wait to be outta here."Fall back on a letter. If you're simply too uncomfortable to speak with your GM or an officer in person, send an in-game note or private message on the guild forums.Be discreet. Timing your /gquit for a time of day when fewer members will be online to take notice helps minimize awkwardness.No matter what, make contact somewhere. If none of the leadership is online and you need to /gquit right then and there in order to start activities with your new guild, make your brief but honest statement (see above) in guildchat, and follow up with a note (in game or on your guild forums) to the GM.
No-No's: Mistakes to avoid

These /guildquit missteps come from Scott Andrews' advice in Officers' Quarters.
Don't quit in the middle of a raid. It's the worst possible time. No matter how angry you are, you owe it to the other people in the raid who aren't jerks to quit later when it won't be a huge distraction for the run. Leave the raid and log off if you have to, but keep your toons in the guild for now.Don't ninja some bank items or raid loot. This is just childish and spiteful.Don't hold a debate in /g about whether you should quit, weighing the pros and cons for everyone to hear. If you are starved for attention and feed on drama like a vampire, this is the style for you.Don't post a huge rant on your guild's web site, complete with ASCII drawings of obscene gestures. You might feel better in the short run, but you'll probably regret at least some of what you said later on after you've had a chance to cool down.Don't encourage others to quit also. If you really want some of your former guildmates to follow you, contact them privately -- don't set off a powder keg by posting recruiting notices for your new guild on your old guild's site.Don't transfer off the server and never contact anyone in the guild again. You'll be saving yourself some drama, but the unanswered questions will haunt your former guildmates for weeks.
Leaving on Good Terms: For those left behind

Especially when you're leaving your guild on friendly terms, you'll want to soften the blow of your departure. Scott offers still more helpful advice:
Consider posting a farewell on your guild's site. When someone leaves a guild, it can be like losing a friend. Be sensitive to that, and give everyone a chance to say goodbye. Your public reasons may differ from your private reasons, but if you don't post some reason, you're going to get a hail of whispers and private messages asking you why you left.Make reparations for empty raid slots and any gear and recipes you're taking with you. One of the biggest blows when a guild member quits is the void left behind in raids and/or arena teams. If possible, offer to participate in guild events for a week or two until the guild finds a replacement. They might not want you along, but at least you've given them the option.Stay humble. Even if the new hardcore raiding guild you jumped ship for outfits you in full tier gear within a week, don't let it go to your head and start acting like you're better than the people you left behind. Don't rub your newfound endgame experience in their faces by bragging about the bosses you've downed or the loot you've won. If they really want to know what you're wearing, they can look it up on the armory.Keep in touch, at least for a little while. Stop by your old guild's forums and say hi, run a heroic with the old crew, or invite them to your Arathi Basin premade. Nothing says "no hard feelings" better than going out of your way to let them know you miss them.
Special Ties: For officers and other special circumstances

Sometimes, you may find yourself ready to move on despite carrying additional guild responsibilities or having particularly strong guild relationships. Robin has a few tips for these special circumstances.
If you are a guild officer This makes leaving a bit tougher, because you theoretically have some say in the direction and guidance of your guild. The solution is simple, however. Make sure you have someone to recommend as a replacement. In fact, it is almost always a good idea, in work or in play, to groom a replacement so that you can be promoted or move on when the opportunity arises.If you are the guild leader Do not transfer leadership to your alt or to anyone else who is not active in your old guild. Your old guild needs a resident leader to thrive. Pick an active and capable successor, transfer leadership and move on with your fun.If you are in a leveling guild The guild that never quite makes it to being an endgame guild is a story that is so common, it is more of the rule than the exception. Every day in trade chat and newbie zones, you hear guilds recruiting with almost the same sales pitch: "[Insert Guildname Here] looking for all levels. We are a helpful, level X guild. We will raid once we get enough people to max level. PST!" And every day, people level up, get some 5-mans in and move on to an endgame guild. These friendly leveling guilds rarely get enough people together who want to raid in the time frame they originally hoped for. Leave an alt or two in this guild and help them out when you have time, but don't give up raiding for them.If you are leaving behind good friends You aren't leaving anyone, actually. If you know them in the physical world or otherwise trust them with your most personal of information, you can keep in touch via Real ID. If you remain on the same server, you can keep them on your friends list. And, of course, there's always email, messaging and social networks. Just make sure to privately explain to them your reasons before you leave. If they don't understand, then they aren't really your good friends anyway.
The bottom line: If you're not having fun where you are, you deserve a shot at trying out something you imagine you'd enjoy more. But if there's something you don't like about your current guild, make a private attempt to rectify the situation. This isn't the time to post on the forums or open up a can of worms in guild chat; take your concerns to a guild officer. If that works, stay. If it doesn't, use our advice to make a classy, respectful, drama-free departure.

Best of luck journeying to new horizons!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with advice from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Tags: advice, drama, featured, guild-advice, guild-drama, guild-quit, guildquit, leaving-a-guild, playing-wow, quitting-a-guild, resigning, resigning-from-a-guild, warcraft-advice, wow-advice, wow-drama, wow-drama-guide, wow-player-guide, wow-q-and-a

Filed under: Analysis / Opinion, Drama Mamas

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